Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize