In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
tell me about the eggs
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
