so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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