im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize