I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
