one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
