OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
