he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
