Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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