btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
When are your genitals available?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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