I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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