We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
