I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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