also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
