I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
