I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
