Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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