I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
