Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
