He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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