Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
