My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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