If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
