Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
