Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
