dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
