The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
