My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
