Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
its not stalking. its research.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
