Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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