was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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