He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
