I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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