you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
