i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
How naked do you want me to be?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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