I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
