I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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