Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
