Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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