I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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