I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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