i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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