I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
