So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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