She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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