fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
