Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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