I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
