New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
