I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
