My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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