i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
