Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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