Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
