She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
