LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
