just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
