Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
