remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
