and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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