Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
