he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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