I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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