he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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